TRUE........

So I wonder when will these days of sadness n remorse will finally come to an end….it began this January, continued thru Feb.….march…April…may…June….n today is July….ask me frankly I m tired of this life…no zing no spice no life….i feel arrested….everything is over, yes every thing is…for now I don’t want help myself….no please…no more….I don’t want counsel myself…I don’t want stop crying…..cause this is what I deserve…in return of the almighty god only knows what?????? Now dear it’s all up to my possibly dark fate and my so called destiny….i neither want to to smile nor I want to talk…cause life’s not all about all this…I thought…I genuinely thought…..n few months back still used to think that my being ecstatic n a happy me I could hide my worries n troubles from this big bad world….the consequence of this is that I m only delirious in front of every individual today…..i try every minute I try every minute very hard…but in the end I fail miserably…..in real terms I cud not follow my heart….i m lost inside…life’s tough… I knew that Long before….tried to believe that it is not so…it’s just not so….my instincts have proved me wrong in spite of following it through out….and my gut does not give me the feeling to start a new day, to b a new me, to start a new life…I now only ask god to give me strength n forgive all my sinful act… know somewhere I went wrong…but still have not been able to figure out what…..to know what it means to face failure after failure….ask me!!!!!!!!!!! I crammed my boards, I ruined me competitive, I marred the relation with my parents, I went into a kind of depression, withdrawal of support from my closest friends( except my favorite gulz…meha n kavi) lost all interest in life, …n thought this is wat life’s all about…you know it used to b like…one morning I used to wake up imagine this piece of thought that…..i sit down cold n feeling less on the ground….tears trickling down my cheeks….n in font of me….i see collage of my life torn into pieces….in front of me…..all the gud moments…n few bad ones too….(actually many)….a 15 year old gal in her mom’s lap( n with mom’s ‘get away from here’ look)….an elder sis wid her little sis tryin some cliché drama of bein some page3 celebrity n doin that peck n hugs stuff…a dad n his daughter having some great times In the pool…going to restraunts relishing piece of tandooriTangdis…celebrations of 10th results….her good times with friends…..her gossiping sessions…bunking classes….being admired n loved by teachers….holding on to friends…..when they fell weak…all these were some treasured memories of that girl…..a girl wu has got lost today….n that girl is none other than me!!!!!!!! Yes all these flashes do come to me every time someone breaks me….n I sit back wondering that these were my times….yes, my times…..so wonder y should I let it go rite????so there I go wiping my tears I rise up…saying ‘happens dun worry’ n start to gather all the pieces of my torn collage of life…one by one…getin soaked in each of it’s memory….n then again someone from the back pushes me again….n there….all the pieces are again in the air…n to my insanity I run like crazy pleading the wrong doer….to not to do this n that it’s my life dude dun b so rude to it…..but my efforts go in vain…n there on floor again I see my life in torn again yet in an ugly state….i fall back cryin…..sayin not again how many time will I gather myself n again someone wud come n hurt me????????????? I m tired of it n I have lost it…….People say that ‘ confession is the best way for submission in front of the almighty’ so guys here publicly I confess….that to get over all this….i got into wrong deeds…..to begin wid….i hurt my parents by being loud , ill mannered n disrespecting them,,,,,.i joined a suicidal site…( providing me 101 new ways of killing myself…lolz), I got into mild drug addiction( which cud have become a serious one), I began hurting my self…like by just pouring wax on to my hands…took disprin over dose combined wid paracetemols n brufene one night….lied to many people….cooked up stories about my state….so now I realize these were some stuff in recent times wich I should have not done….all this would project my wrong upbringing I guess….but guys it’s not that….my mom ,must b the best mom in the whole world…..coz she accepts me the way I am( only when I listen n follow her commands…lolzzz)….my dad,though we still r not on talking terms….but I guess one day he’ll surely realize what a real ‘father-daughter’ relation mean…..i have never really got an opportunity to go close to it….or even touch it…..n my sis she’s the most coolest …..fun loving n bindas kind of lass I have ever come across….i mean between all are fighting…n so called donkey monkey vali gali galoch( as my mum says…lol) I did not realize we bonded closer day by day…..i have the best pack of people constituting my so called family….i love em all….but it wud b a good thing if they accepted me wid my attitude…..wich is definitely quite not like them…...lol…but I m working on it….i m sorry mommy-baba!!!!!!! N for me I hav come back to normal…so just dun get psyched by all that I have written…I still cry to myself….but indeed I have no regrets over what ever I have done….coz I believe whatever happens to anybody or whosoever does whatsoever at that moment for him or her n for that moment, is absolutely correct n justified….i know I m a million contradiction….but wu does not have a perspective of viewing life in their own way….i too have my own…..n I now believe wu so ever tries to hamper wid my thoughts, does not have a life n cannot bear the fact that I have one to myself….ha…ha..ha…trust me if you dun have one…then go grab one…it’s not that far as it seems…it’s just a flip flop of a thought in your pea sized head…that yaar apni kismet me tho yahi likha hai…..chuck that off…..yell guys yell to yourself that yes….i have a life…which I own….( even if you r a total looser n a good for nothing fellow,(like me)then peep inside urself…. u have something that belongs to you…..your life)… frenz life too serious to be taken seriously, c’mon consider yourself to be god’s very own child….n if yur his lad then he definitely wud not keep anything miserable in store for you!!!!!!! It’s all a vicious circle…. Bad replaces good, evil replaces innocence, bad times…..wil fade away….trust me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Many people reading this wud definitely consider me to b immature n mad…..but dude forty years from now when you’ll wake up the morning coughing…drinking tulsi jal….going to the loo n brushing toothless jaw….n looking in front of the mirror seeing all the scars,wrinkles,lookin thru your wide n magnified lens at yourself…n say in spite of so much hard work n struggle do I deserve to b this…..what I m today….no memories to make me smile…I have just put in the best years of my life making money..Doin job….. Putting in endless effort!then dun let this happen….i beg of you….yur times r precious…treasure it…..enjoy every moment…of it…..good or bad accept it……dun fall weak dun turn away….no never…..my mama says… that imagine yourself standing on a crossroad….in the middle…..whenever you c trouble coming from rite look to your left…when it s coming from left look towards rite…if it’s coming rite above you then smartly take a step sideward n move away, if it’s coming from under you take a jump n let it go….but never bang on wid it….always rush to the greener side of what so ever… I partially agree to it….but not completely if we do this then it wud seem we are ignoring life….don do that……be bold enough to face it…if not alone then definitely frrenz will help u do so…..n here I would again commit a crime if I fail to mention two most beautiful people in my life…..well I have been very unlucky when it comes to frenz….but these gals would have felt blessed to have me in theirs ;) lol….kidding….animeha aka meha n kavya alias kavi…..meha….to talk of her….if many of u have a best friend like her then I m sure u would able to connect to following piece of stance….meha…there was a time when I saw her in huge trouble…..facing humility from all around…..full of tears…broken shattered….people say what she did was wrong….i dun know but I believed that she needs someone to hold her….good or bad she is a human first …..for the sake of that humanity just let her breathe for a while before you pounce on to her again….i decided whatsoever the consequence is….even if it costs me to loose my frenz….become bad n a supporter of a misdeed….i wud stand by her…..n there I was….giving her advices n all support I cud…..making her feel that she is strong n special…if not to anybody at least to me…..i promised to my self that when it comes to frenz…..true ones then I wud do anything!!!!!!!!!! N I mean it…..n guess what ,today, when I sometimes get scared of life n have no one to run to…..i know in heart of heart I hav meha…..wu is just one call away…..aj this chick holds me whenever I fall down to pieces…reminding that I m not this….i never was. n can never b……she reminded me my own saying which once I had told her wen she was terribly upset…..it went lik….. ‘meha, see it’s your life….n you have to lead it….the way you want….pehle make yur life happy for yourself…..n then start fitting people in them…..if they fit then well n gud but if not then they never meant to b there..’ when she uttered these line I cud not believe that if ever I cud have sad things like this….. I felt life coming back to me…..thanks meha…..i love u for helping me fight this battle wid myself…..then comes my 2nd fav gal….kavi….v are quite aware of what has been happening in our lives but not yet confronted it…..but I guess some things if not brought out is better……I respect this gal coz…..she has fought life….i remember what she was n what she is,….this gal inspires me to enjoy life more….n more….n more…..jab tak ki I am full of it…..people wu underestimated her are fools of top grade…..kavi had a major role to play during the two years of my life…..when I faced issues in the school….this friend stood by me…..people tried what not to disturb my piece of mind…..but kavya taught was like ‘just keep yur cool. Sab theek ho jayega’…I did that n not to my surprise sab theek hua…..n I love all her motivating letters….n thoughts…..about life…..she once passed on a message to saying ‘two roads diverged in woods n I took the one less travelled by….n that has made all the difference- Robert frost’….i believe somewhere deep down she was true…no wonder she is such a beautiful human bein…..thanks kavi love u gal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! these two gals have got me out of trouble struggling wid myself……while there were a few wu just spoke everything negative…a few wu withdrew there support….a few did not care as they were so busy shaping there future….n a few wu had no time…..well…..owe this to you meha n kavi…..( I l b very soon posting this part of my life on…..mtv wassup….if it were a good idea….lol)…………anyway…. My state…..wel now has improved on family front I m trying to b good girl….beautifying myself….( I painted my nails black red yesterday)…. Studin hard….tryin to overcome my nomophobia…(fear of being called by some friend on cell phone)….asking god to forgive me…..n trying to be the best…..i know I have it in me….n to all of u….u have it in u…..so just get up…..compose yourself….n fight back….ur a guy or a gal wu has life to himself or herself…if anybody has a problem wid ur attitude shrug them off…..swear to urself that u wont turn back…..yu have to prove uy blood in meha word even if death comes calling b sure to kill the death….b yourself….yu are special if not to any body at least to yourself…..ur beautiful this life yu lead is beautiful n make it beautiful find yourself….if you have lost the real you, lost the voice of reason u had then dun run away….have faith in god things will come back to normal…someone’s watching over you…spread your jalwaa, life will turn around to u….lol!!!!!!!!!u have to decide whose calls you want to take…no tom dick n harry can say anything crap claiming to know u well goes by saying anything…nobody know u better than yourself….so shut there gob n move on…. damn every soul wu makes you cry….nobody decides an ideal attitude n nobody has invented the categories falling under good or bad……it’s only god n your heart which decides based on morals values n self bound restrictions…..if today this world is ignoring you, tomorrow it will respect you, trust me it will you are not at anybodies mercy, are you???????????….chase your dreams….put your heart soul thoughts,harwork,faith,belief, n confidence in achieving it…..coz nothing in life come with ease n smile…..but dun forget to lead a good life as well…..dun hurt anyone in your chase…coz then that wud mar his or her life in a way….if this period is bad then….just think that god wants to test how u can survive thru it….it’s just a reminder sent by god that-‘ hey child I exist up here….incase u forgot n began to think u r great….baby I m ur pops sitting rite here…noting every inch of your step…’ do something so great that this world falls at yur feet ….trust me this will happen….n I wil make it happen for me….. ‘yesterday is gone n rite now u belong to this moment n to this dream …it doesn’t matter what people say it doesn’t matter how long, believe in yourself n fly high ..it only matters wu yu r your true to your n follow yur heart. so dun give n don’t break down….b strong even if it all goes wrong standing in dark still believe someone’s watching over u-hillary duff.’N for now I m must go n sit down completing my assignments on atomic structure…..other wise all these great talks….wud seem ridiculous….lol…..i will b meeting meha today….i m desperately looking forward to that……I hope my piece of story leaves you thinking for a while….well my cup of tea is empty….n I guess it’s high time I get up from my chair where I appeared to b glued….love to all….n do leave a comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A thanks for keeping the patience wid my chapter of life wich has now got over …love to all…adieus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!